Why You Keep Repeating the Same Patterns (And How to Create New Ones)

You've noticed it. Maybe your friends have too.

Same argument, different relationship. Same spiral, different trigger. Same version of you showing up in situations you swore you'd handle differently this time.

You’re not alone. You're not crazy. And you're not weak. (Despite what you might be telling yourself).

Your’e just stuck.

Fact: Those patterns you repeat were learned. At some point — usually pretty early in life — your brain developed a response to something hard. That response — a pattern of thought, feeling, or behavior — worked. It protected you, got you something valuable (like connection), or helped you “survive” a difficult environment. So your brain filed that response away as the go-to, winning move. So, you’ve been repeating it and reinforcing it.

The problem is that your brain doesn't automatically trash it’s go-to move when your circumstances change. So, you're running a childhood strategy in your adult life — and wondering why it’s not working for you anymore.

Breaking a pattern is not a willpower issue. It’s not a “self-discipline or self-control” problem. You can't think your way out of a pattern your nervous system has been running on autopilot for decades.

Awareness is a necessary starting point, but it’s not the solution.

What actually creates change is understanding the original logic behind the pattern — where it came from, what it was trying to do — and then slowly, deliberately building a new response. Your brain will keep running the same program until it’s taught something new. And that’s going to take time, new experiences, honest self-reflection, and a whole lot of quality support.

Try this: Next time you catch yourself in a familiar pattern, get curious instead of critical. Ask: what was this response originally trying to protect me from? You don't have to have an answer yet … just simply asking the question can interrupt your autopilot program enough to create space for something new.

Ready to build new patterns? Counseling might be a good next step.

Do I Need Therapy or Life Coaching? Here's How to Actually Tell

If you've ever Googled the above question, you're already the kind of person who knows they want something … you're just not sure what it's called.

And, honestly, the line between therapy and life coaching is blurrier than the internet suggests. And the reason it's blurry is actually pretty interesting.

The nutshell:: therapy is generally for healing, coaching is generally for building. Therapy is the right fit when anxiety, trauma, or old patterns are actively getting in the way of daily functioning. Coaching fits when you're functional and growth-oriented but stuck, and you want structure and intentional support to elevate.

But here's what I see constantly in my work … AND what almost nobody talks about: a lot of people who think they want to BUILD are actually RUNNING.

Running from something that hurts. Running toward the next achievement (“doing”) because just “being” feels uncomfortable. Constantly running toward a bigger, “better” life because (somewhere along the way) performing and producing became the only way to feel okay …

Running isn’t a character flaw. It’s a pattern. And it shows up in therapy and coaching sessions equally — because the person sitting across from me often doesn't know whether they’re running or building (yet).

Both therapy and life consultation look at patterns, require honest self-reflection, and ask real, hard, deliberate things of you. And some providers — not many — are equipped to help you figure out which one you actually need when you walk in the door.

Try this: Sit with this question for a minute — if I achieved everything I'm working toward right now, would I finally feel okay? If the answer is genuinely yes, coaching might be your fit. If there's a quiet voice that says "probably not" — therapy may be a good starting point.

Not sure which fits? Schedule a free Clarity Call and we'll figure it out together.

What Your Enneagram Type Is Trying to Tell You When You're Exhausted

Burnout doesn't look the same for everyone. Two women can be running on empty and one of them is snapping at her family while the other has gone eerily quiet. One is pushing harder — grinding through the exhaustion because stopping feels more frightening than continuing. The other has mentally checked out while still physically showing up for every obligation.

Same exhaustion. Very different expression. And very different needs underneath.

Learning how to be curious about those needs is vital to meeting those needs. That’s one of the reasons I love the Enneagram as a tool for people who are trying to understand themselves more deeply. It doesn't just tell you what you do — it tells you why, and it names the specific flavor of depletion that each type tends toward.

Here's a quick snapshot of what burnout tends to look like for each Enneagram type AND one thing that actually helps:

Enneagram Type 1 // Exhaustion looks like a lot of inner self-criticism and rigidity. When depleted, Ones often redouble their efforts and become harsh with themselves (and others) for anything less than perfect. What helps: Freedom. Try an intentional "good enough" practice — put something down before it's perfect and let it stay there.

Enneagram Type 2 // Exhaustion looks like over-functioning and resentment. Twos keep giving because stopping feels like they'll lose connection — but the giving becomes hollow. What helps: Asking for help. Specifically. Without immediately softening it or saying "nevermind."

Enneagram Type 3 // Exhaustion looks like switching into overdrive or crashing completely. Threes often don't notice they're depleted until their body forces the stop. What helps: Permission to slow down. Try spending time doing something with no measurable outcome — for the pure experience of it.

Enneagram Type 4 // Exhaustion looks like emotional flooding, withdrawal, or a deep sense of being fundamentally misunderstood. What helps: A gentle, grounding routine. Not anything exciting, but something stabilizing — the same small (maybe even boring) rituals each morning.

Enneagram Type 5 // Exhaustion looks like withdrawal and a depletion of inner resources. Fives retreat into their minds when overwhelmed. What helps: A reminder you don’t have to know it all to be valuable. So, move toward safe, low-demand connection. Aim to be with people who don't need anything from you.

Enneagram Type 6 // Exhaustion looks like anxiety spiraling, worst-case thinking, and decision paralysis. What helps: Use your body to get out of your mind. Take walks, try regular breathwork, or get exercise.

Enneagram Type 7 // Exhaustion looks like frantic busyness or numbing through distraction. Sevens keep moving because slowing down means feeling what's underneath. What helps: Choosing chill. Embrace intentional stillness so you can sit with the uncomfortable feeling long enough to realize it won't destroy you.

Enneagram Type 8 // Exhaustion looks like control and intensity escalating. Eights push harder when depleted. What helps: Vulnerability with a trusted person. Honest conversation without attempts at problem-solving. The goal is to experience being seen and known.

Enneagram Type 9 // Exhaustion looks like checked-out compliance and a loss of any sense of what you actually want. Nines can disappear into others' agendas when depleted. What helps: Being present. Small, concrete acts of self-assertion. What do YOU want for dinner? What do YOU need this weekend? Start small.

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If you're curious about your type and what it means for your specific patterns of stress and rest, get in touch so we can look at doing that work together!

The Permission Slip You've Been Waiting For

The short of it: Rest Is not a reward. It's a requirement,

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What do you believe to be true about REST?

I’ve found that somewhere along the way, most of us (myself, included) got a really unhelpful message about rest. That it has to be earned. That it's what you do after everything on the list is done. That if you're resting while things are undone, you're lazy, selfish, indulgent, or letting people down.

And if you're reading this and nodding, I want you to know: believing those messages is costing you. It’s costing you joy. Peace. Patience. It’s even costing you potential.

For high-functioning women — the ones who show up, handle it all, and make sure everyone around them is okay — rest often feels like the one thing they haven't figured out how to do yet. And the irony is that the more they need it, the harder it can feel to let themselves have it.

And our bodies scream for rest. Your nervous system doesn't care about your to-do list. It doesn't know that you'll rest "after this project" or “when vacation gets here” or “when the kids are older." It just knows whether it feels safe enough to downshift or if it needs to stay on high alert. Fact is, if you've been running on stress hormones for months (or, like for many of my clients, YEARS), your body has essentially forgotten what it feels like to actually rest.

But it needs to rest. Desperately.

Here's where to start:

1) Consider the difference between rest and avoidance/numbing. Scrolling your phone for an hour IS NOT rest — it's actually stimulating to the nervous system. True rest involves some form of disengagement from input: a short walk without headphones, sitting outside, gentle stretching, or even just lying down in a quiet room for 10 minutes. It doesn't have to be long. It just has to be real.

2) Schedule rest before you "need" it. Most of us wait until we're running on empty to rest — which means we're already in debt. Instead, try building one 10-15 minute "nothing" window into your day. Put it in your calendar. Protect it like you'd protect any other appointment.

3) Notice and challenge the story you tell yourself about resting. When you sit down to rest and that internal voice pipes up with a "You should be doing something productive right now,” pause and ask: “Says who?”

You’re an adult — YOU get to decide what productivity means for you.

What if the most productive thing you can do right now is learn how to rest?

You're Not Falling Apart — You're Probably in Perimenopause

Been a little more emotional lately? Found your tolerance for your child’s whiny snack demands has dwindled to zero? Feeling like your partner lacks any redeeming qualities these days? Maybe you’re regularly waking up at 3am with your mind going a million miles an hour and your body radiating heat like a Florida summer?

Sound familiar? And maybe, as a result, you’ve started to wonder if something is seriously wrong with you — because the woman you used to be? She felt way more… steady, happy, and hopeful.

Well, here’s some truth: There probably isn’t anything really “wrong” with you. You are likely just in perimenopause, and your brain and body are going through one of the most significant hormonal shifts of your life.

This is awful, but good news. See, the problem isn't you. The problem is that nobody told you (or the people around you) that this was coming — or what it would actually feel like.

A couple of facts:

Perimenopause can begin as early as your mid-30s and last well into your 50s. During this time, when life is already stretching you to the max (with family, financial, work, and logistical factors), estrogen and progesterone levels start fluctuating wildly (and then begin declining). And here's the part most people don't know: these hormones aren’t just reproductive hormones. They’re deeply connected to mood regulation, sleep quality, memory, and your body and brain’s ability to stay calm under pressure.

So when these hormones fluctuate? Everything feels harder. More intense. More raw.

I want to encourage you to pay attention to your “everything.” What is triggering you to be reactive? What puts you on edge? Where (and with who) do you feel unsteady and raw? Because these fluctuating hormones are really useful at pointing out areas of our lives that needed some work even before perimenopause entered the picture (and that makes good fodder for time well spent with your therapist)!

A couple of OTHER things that can actually help:

1) Track your cycle and your mood together. Even if your cycle have become irregular, patterns still exist. Using a simple app or even a paper calendar to note your emotional and physical state each day can help you start to see the rhythm and your triggers. When you can see "Oh, I always feel like I'm losing it around day 21," it stops feeling like a character flaw and starts feeling like data you can do something with.

2) Speak what's happening out loud. When you're in the middle of a wave of emotion or a hot flash or a night of terrible sleep, try saying to yourself — or to someone you trust — "This is a hormone shift. It’s real, it's temporary, and it doesn’t mean I’m broken." This isn't just helpful self-talk … it's your prefrontal cortex (your thinking brain) helping to regulate your amygdala (your reactive brain). Acknowledging and naming your experience actually calms your nervous system.

Until next time,